I'm going to DC with Jack Bauer here in a little while. We're considering going on a Segway tour of the mall. (And the rest of the time we're riding the Metro and bicycles.) Jack says Segways are all over the place there.

Have you seen these?

Heck, I thought I was taking control of my commute by riding Odie. And I would ride a horse, really, but my commute is over 70 miles round trip every day. You see the total impracticality of that.

They even make an adventure model. Yep. Adventure. Model. "The Segway x2 Adventure takes you off the beaten path and turns you on to the powerful thrill of nature. For both casual riders and experienced explorers, it’s your all-access pass to the great outdoors."

No. No. No. No.

No!

If my appaloosa horse Teyla and I see one of these up in the Pecos Mountains this summer, I might let her stomp it into the ground beneath her agate hooves, kind of like I expect she'd go after a bear or a boar. Or sick the heeler dogs on it. At which point I imagine I would be in a lot of trouble.

Jesus help us. Americans are fat enough already. And I just had a heck of a time squeezing my dieting self into a size of polytitanium mesh that I feel is still reasonably acceptable for a woman of my age.

But I do intend to go for a Segway joy ride. Just once, mind you.